Saturday, July 30, 2011

I'm Not As Stupid As I Look

I'm not saying I'm not stupid.  I'm simply not as stupid as I look.

Many years ago, I was in the First Grade.  They taught us how to read.  The teacher (Mrs. Rodriguez, if memory serves me right) divided us into three groups:
  • The Blue Stars
  • The Red Balls
  • The Green Leaves
The Blues were the stars, of course (duh!).  The Reds were the average kids.  The Greens were the idiots.  Mrs. R took one look at me and threw me in with the Greenies.  So anyway time goes on and we do our lessons and eventually it's my turn to read out loud to the Greens.  Suddenly it dawns on Mrs R that I only look stupid, so she bumps me into the Blue Stars, who were none too happy to have a Greentard in their shining cluster.  The Greens weren't happy either.  I was a traitor.  And the Reds, seeing I was disliked by both the Blues and the Greens, decided I was somehow untrustworthy.

And that's how my public education went for the next 11 years.  The smart kids thought I was stupid, the dumb kids thought I was a snob, and everyone else thought I was just weird.

So anyway, flash forward to State U.  They only required 10 hours of English to graduate.  I got that out of the way the first year.  Due to a variety of issues (drugs) I never went back to SU.  I worked for a couple of years and then decided to get a tech degree at the local community college.  I transferred my SU credits, but they wouldn't take the goddamned 10 hours of English.  I had to take three, three-hour English classes to make that up.

I guess I just looked stupid.

So I plop myself down in my chair on the first day of English 101 and this Drunken English Prof  ("DEP") announces to the class that we are to write three paragraphs on the last book, movie, or television show we experienced.  

"Not for credit", he says.  "Just so I can know where you're at."

I couldn't think of anything, and since we were supposed to use the entire class to do this I decided the best course of action was to get up and leave.  The DEP was furious.

"Where are you going?" he demanded.

"I can't think of anything," I said, "so I'm leaving."

"How will I know where you're at?"

"Look", I said, "no credit, right?  What's the point?  No credit, no paper."

And I left.  He was really pissed.

I come back the next day--silly me--and we do English 101 stuff, which was warmed-over High School English: antagonist, protagonist, plot, etc.  The BASICS.  The reading material was, believe it or not, Oedipus Rex.  Again?  Motherfucker!

Days go by and we have our first test.  I come back the next Monday and when the DEP passes the tests out, he hands me mine with a look of complete, utter disdain on his face.  He had finally learned "where I was at".  I took a look at my test.

I got a 96 out of 100.  What's the problem?

I glance around the classroom and people don't look happy.  The DEP makes his announcement:

"The class average on this test was 46.  Everyone failed.  So, we're going to break off into groups to discuss the test and then we'll take it over."

And that's when it dawned on me (I'm a little slow) it was the Green Leaves all over again.  I was in the retard class and I had no clue.  No Blue Stars here.  No Red Balls.  Nothing but drooling, mouth-breathing Green Leaves everywhere and no way out.  This time I was pissed.  There was no way in Hell I was going to re-take a test I had already passed.  I stormed out of the classroom (no protest from the DEP this time), dropped it, and forced them to transfer my SU English credits.

Later I did the math and concluded that the class average would have been 39 without me.

And so life goes on and reality sets in.  I don't think I've met a Blue Star in the last fifteen years and I've come to the conclusion that the Red Balls are kidding themselves.  Life is 90% Green Leaves.  Might as well enjoy it like a walk in the park.

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